"I'd Gladly Pay You Tuesday For A Hamburger Today."

We've got a few major problems in my fine state of California and no one seems to be able to pull a slide rule out of their ass and come up with an answer. Now if in 1970 the the Pocket Protector Posse at NASA were able to bring a crippled spaceship back from space, (because that's where they use spaceships,) with a roll of Duct Tape, a frozen hot dog and a used coffee filter, then by 2009 the California State Legislature should have figured out a way to keep the state financially afloat.

The Schwarzmiser is forcing furloughs on state employees, and it's rumored that while they're gone, he's going to sneak into the break rooms in all the state offices and increase the rate that the vending machines steal their money by 35%.

Will this madness never end?

In addition to Casual Furlough Friday will be the court ordered release over the next few years of 40 or 50,000 prisoners from the state prison system due to overcrowding that has deteriorated the prison health care system. People will scream and yell that criminals are going to overrun the city streets like zombies crashing a Texas BBQ, but we're not talking about kicking loose the top ten list of Murder Inc..

The reason for prison overcrowding is no secret. We like drugs, and the alcohol companies hate that. So they lobby for the harder drug laws, they throw millions behind the 3 strikes effort and now the Big House is filled with young black men in the prime of their lives who are taking a year off to find enlightenment, introspection and deal drugs before going off to college. (Maybe if they had some fucking opportunities to give them hope in the first place...)


Using my crazy math here is how I suggest we use these problems to resolve each other.


Step one: Change the penalty for street level drug dealing to a no jail time graduated fine, ticket based system. The first four times a street dealer is busted he is given a ticket with an immediate $300 fine, no court appearance. Each ticket has to be paid within five days of receiving it or the next time he is busted he goes to prison for one year.

The fine scale would increase with the beginning of each new four bust cycle during a twelve month period. At bust five through eight the fine would increase to $600 and so on. In addition, a dealer would only be allowed 48 busts per year. Going over 48 results in three years in prison. With what dealers make they will be more than happy to pay fines rather than go to prison, spending their days pumping iron and tossing syrup salads.

There will be less street violence due to competition because dealers will be forced to take time off to avoid violating the 48 bust rule. This allows the other dealers to work while the others rotate out. They will also learn the value of saving a dollar since they will have to plan ahead for the days off. (Much like the forced furloughs for the state employees. Hmm... Gee...)

Patrol officers would be the only ones allowed to make these busts and no organized effort to make busts is allowed. (Fair's Fair.)

All of this money stays at the state, county and city level. Two thirds of the money goes to the state and the remaining third is split between the county and city.

Result: No more prison overcrowding, budget deficit is solved in, (judging by the water mark on my bong,) about six months, as well as helping to shore up the budget shortfalls at the local level. Plus, the drug dealers are now contributing members of society in a semi-cooperative relationship with the police. (And I don't have to walk six fucking blocks to score some decent green-bud.)

Now that we have room at the Folsom Inn, we can take care of our most important problem.

The worst kind of scum on the planet. They are up there with pedophiles, baby seal hunters, puppy kickers, and the people that make those suck-ass diamond jewelry commercials.

The arrogant pricks who drive in the car pool lane when they're not supposed to. I'm not sure where this sense of entitlement comes from. Can you imagine what it must be like to have one of these people in your life? They'd take all the beer from your fridge. as well as everything else right down to the sour cream that went bad last week, and leave a list of things for you to pick-up for the next time they're over.

These are the kind of guy friend that'll rape your girlfriend and tell you it was her fault.
And the kind of girlfriend who who will fuck all your friends and tell you it was your fault.

But. You guessed it. I have a solution.

As mentioned above, some beds have freed up at Cub Med Butt Phuket so why not put 'em to good use.

Currently, for a first time violation of the Carpool Lane the fine is around $300. After the first one the fines increase until presumably, after enough of these, the drivers are thrown off of an overpass on the 405. The reality is that there is very little enforcement of the Car Pool Lane laws, and this is because it is not considered a high priority crime, and due to the state budget conditions, there isn't enough money to put the extra CHP officers needed out there to catch theses rusty cum stains.

I suggest that the first violation have a fine of $2,000. If the first violation fine is not paid within ten days and/or there is a second violation, there is a mandatory 10 year sentence in State Prison without the possibility of parole.

I think it's a pretty safe bet that after the first two instances of people going away for 10 years the problem will disappear.

If you economic savants want to upgrade from the slide rule to a pocket calculator or even one of the fancy shamancy desk ones, I'll shoot over to Office Depot and spring for it. I'm about five minutes from the office, I can drop it off.

Like most people in the state I'm doing my part. How about you people in the big white double-wide downtown do yours.


Keep The Faith.