Does This Come In Green?

A couple of months ago I was down in the Amazon rainforest for one last baby Ewok hunt before they started clear cutting in order to get a new Wal-Mart and a FedEx Kinkos up before the start of the rainy season.

My friends and I were none-to-pleased when we heard two American corporate giants were going to be destroying the natural habitat of these wild creatures especially when due to all the “political correctness” the world is awash in these days countries have banned the clubbing of baby Ewoks, except for Brazil, Peru, Bolivia, and of course France.

Then again it's 245 miles to the nearest MacDonald's and getting copies made; forget about it. Out there it's beating out mores code on a log and spaghetti & Ewok balls three meals a day. Trust me, after a week of smacking fuzz-heads you're jonesn' for a Quarter Pounder and a fax.

But the impending disruption of the annual man-fest of gore got my friends and I thinking about this whole “conservation” thing that has people all worked up and the impact that we as visitors have on the indigenous people of this land.

For instance, most hunters have custom clubs that can cost in the hundreds of dollars. You could easily spend in the thousands for a one of a kind hand-crafted, custom finish, rare wood club perfectly balanced to the hunter's swing. There is nothing like that first satisfying 'crack' to let all your fellow hunters know, that the season is now open and you plan on “bagn' your limit.” (Why the fuck there's a limit... The things breed like rats.)

Bill had been looking unusually thoughtful during the end of day cleaning and as he was gutting his tenth “wok” he said: “What if, instead of paying all that money to the club artisans in Greenland we bought them from the local natives? You know, give a little back the villagers and simple people that so graciously allow us come into their rich forest and take our modest bounty?

“You mean the ones that were protesting the first year that we had Blackwater go in and clear out?” Asked Rich.
“Exactly,” Replied Bill. “Kind of a, hey lets all be friends and here's a little something for a rainy day. Which is about is about three hundred sixty four and a half days a year in this shit-hole.”

This got me to thinking about other things I could be doing to contribute to the preservation of the planet. I could use less electricity, paper, water, plastics. I could pass on the farm raised salmon, the fua grau Mcnugetts, the $80 shots of glacier water. Maybe I didn't have to have the twin V engine model jet-ski and the Sherman A1 model Humvee.

So I pulled out my TeraByte iPhone and downloaded the, “Can We Stop It from happening?” app., plugged in a few random factual numbers and hoped for the best. I then fired up the, “Who Will Survive?” app..

The first answer was what I kind of expected: No!

But the second answer was a bit of a surprise: Ewoks!

Well; Not if I can help it.


Keep The Faith