Myself, I can't think of anyone less deserving of a workplace massacre than my coworkers. Even with my own misery of working for employers with a draconian management style the likes of which haven't been seen since The Spanish Inquisition, I know that the people working in my office have it far worse than I.
If I were to commit such a hubristic act it would be to a far more deserving group of people. That's right, people in grocery stores. Grocery stores are a petri dish of stupidity so viral it makes the Andromeda Strain look like a fucking head cold. Drunk drivers are more cognizant of their surroundings than these brain dead zombies pushing a chopping cart. You may even be one of them. You will of course claim not to be one of these Shopping Cart Shit-heads (SCS), but the rate of denial of this condition is higher than than a group of Oklahoma tweakers on a three week meth binge.
I am still, with all the years of shopping under my belt, bewildered by people who wander off, leaving their cart in the middle of the aisle like the Rapture is coming and the canned beets are where everyone's -the worthy ones- are supposed to pick up their ticket for the non-stop ride to heaven.
They are the most passive aggressive of the SCS'. They rarely acknowledge the inconvenience they cause and if they do, it is with a flippant 'my needs are more important than yours' expression, or a disarming 'I'm sorry, I'm so stupid sometimes' excuse. This breed of SCS is relatively harmless so you might reply with: “Don't sell yourself short. I bet you're this stupid most of the time.”
These Raptures, (shut the fuck up, you would have used it too,) are close cousins to the Meeter-Greeter, who is easily identified by their obliviousness to the existence of all other living things on the planet other than their immediate circle of friends. They are always found in pairs completely blocking a path of travel with their carts as they discuss the most minute detail of their dial tone lives. Inexperienced shoppers have been know to wait for such long periods of time in the vain hope of being allowed to pass that their eyes start to bleed. Engaging Meeter-Greeters is not recommend for anyone but the most experienced and self-confidant shoppers. Any intrusion into the Meeter-Greeter's space is met with an irritated and contemptuous expression. If you attempt to stand your ground the Meeter-Greeter will emit a challenge call. It sounds like this: “You can go around.” At this point it is highly advised that you not push your luck. 99% of Meeter-Greeters are female and this can lull a male shopper into a false sense of being more powerful. If the shopper is female they will often assume they are at least on an equal level with the Meeter-Greeter. This can be a very costly mistake. Meeter-Greeters have a contemptuous disdain for all other living things that borders on the obsessive. Though it's not uncommon for a female Meeter-Greeter to shop alone, they are usually accompanied by their mate. He will come to the female's aid, and they will simultaneously launch a pretentious 'you're lower than beetle balls' attack.
There is one breed of SCS that, though they can be annoying, are also relatively harmless, and if dealt with with caution can be neutralized rather easily. These are the ones who stand -most commonly in the yogurt or ice cream section- blocking any access to a product type that has various selections. This breed of SCS knows instinctively when to arrive before you do and quickly becomes confused and uncertain what selections to make and stand blocking the case bewildered by the choices in front of them. They share the same level of awareness of their surroundings as other SCS': Absolutely none. However, they are the least aggressive of the SCS and experienced shoppers know that by using a phrase such as: “Do you mind if I squeeze in here a sec. and grab a couple of these?” will cause the SCS to respond in a friendly manner and move out of the way.
Caution: It is very important to use the right tone of voice when attempting this. Failure to use a polite tone can cause the SCS' to become defensive, and possibly lash out verbally.
As unpleasant as the above SCS' may seem, there is one breed that is the most offensive and dangerous of them all. The Cell Phone Trampler, (CPT,) is a subspecies of the SCS that has devolved over the past ten years or so. The CPT was first classified as relatively harmless. As it has devolved however, the CPT has become increasingly dangerous. CPT's are often observed without a cart and this leads to a common misconception that they are not a member of the SCS species. In fact, the CPT is very adept at functioning with or without the use of a cart. It is this ability that has kept their primary classification as a SCS. The CPT comes in two primary groups, each having individual markings, and one sub-group that attempts to mimic the markings of the two primary groups. The first primary group is the African American female, the second group is the Hispanic Female, followed by white females trying to act black or Mexican. No one has ever mistaken a white female for the real deal, and are usually laughed at by most observers, and are generally shunned by the two primary groups. They should still be considered dangerous.
(The males of the two primary groups are rarely combative and are identified by their calm, self-confident manner. Males from the white sub-group can be identified by their extremely thick layers of fat covered with tattoos. Their intelligence level is very low, and they are easily distracted with salty snacks, and a six pack of anything.)
The CPT is on it's phone from the time it enters the store until well after it leaves. It moves at a much higher speed than the other SCS', and with a heightened sense of obliviousness (Often leading to the merciless trampling of anyone in their path.) Typically it will charge up and down the aisles seemingly lost, occasionally spinning unexpectedly and grabbing items from the shelf while it argues with a friend or family member on the phone. The longer it is on the phone the more excited it becomes. Use caution if you find yourself in an aisle with one. If you are too near one when they are in a highly agitated state you run the risk of being accidentally hit, as they tend to flail their arms wildly as the phone call gets progressively worse.
IMPORTANT: Never, under any circumstances attempt to confront a CPT. If they sense even the slightest hint of criticism or suggestion of corrective behavior from you they will attack without warning. Usually these attacks are verbal but there have been documented cases of physical aggression. If attacked by a CPT, use a bottle of brightly colored nail polish to lure it into a frozen pizza case where it can later be safely removed by an experienced handler.
Unfortunately, the hunting and killing of SCS' is not yet legal. And where there is a strong desire to, poaching is strongly advised against. The penalties are severe and though most police, prosecutors and judges share your frustration with the inaction of store management and city governments to deal with this wide spread problem, they are bound by the law until those laws are changed.
There are lobbying efforts underway to change the laws, and we may see the day where the SCS' are hunted to near extinction. If you don't want to wind up mounted on somebody's wall, you might want to think about behaving in a manner that clearly sets you apart from the herd.
- Be aware and considerate of those around you.
- Be polite. Say excuse me, move your cart the fuck out of the way.
- I know you're tired, we're all tired, none of us wants to wait in line anymore than you do. Suck it up and tough it out. You'll be home soon enough and you can take it out on your family. That's what they're there for.
- When an eight year old runs over your foot or bumps into your cart, don't give his mother a bunch of shit about it. Bend down to the little guy and quietly tell him if he does it again you'll pop his head like a fucking grape.
The thing is: People don't notice every time you're nice.
But they sure notice every time you're an ass-hole.
Keep The Faith.
The last line of the first paragraph: “ Armalite AR-10...”
Is from the movie: Fight Club.
Written by: Chuck Palahniuk and Jim Uhl
The line used in the third paragraph: “non-stop ride to heaven.”
Is taken from the Buckcherry song: Tired Of You.
Lyric by: Josh Todd
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