How Much For That Flag In The Window?

It's Saturday night and I'm docked at my usual port of call on the couch watching Forensic Files, (just to pick up any helpful tips,) while nurturing masturbatory fantasies about Forensics Firearms Examiner, Justine Davis, (is it just me, or is she hotter than Hell in a totally nerd-girl way?) and who comes on the tube but Montel Williams as a barker for collectible Obama coins.

Now I don't have any problem with Montel. Yes, his television career tanked after he dared to be an “uppity African American,” and say something he wasn't told to on the FOX network. (“We Report We Decide. Now Shut Your Mouth You Terrorist Piece Of Shit.) And yes he has a web site selling things that... I'm not really sure what they do, but he says they'll make every part of your life better. Montel if nothing else, is a survivor in the world of media where they eat their young, stardom, and life with MS. More power to you brother.

No, what I'm bugged about, (other than not being able to score Justine's e-mail address,) is the RONCOizing of our new President, Big Bad and Black Obama. (Have you seen the abs on this guy? He'll drag Kim Jong Il out on the South Lawn and knock the shit out of him. “You gonna let the inspectors in now bitch?”) The tears have barely dried on the inbred faces of Ku Klux Klaners everywhere and already: Valuable, one of a kind, limited pressings, not to be reissued, we've broken the mold, stencil painted, beautifully embossed with the image of President Obama whatever the fuck it is, are available for $19.95 plus shipping & handling.

Grab yourself a little piece of throw away history.

Plates, coins, pillows, blankets, license plate frames and red, white and fuzzy toilet seat covers flash on the screen of the Idiot Box every 20 minutes. This is the kind of marketing that gives Ron Popeil a geyser shooting chubby that'll last all night. Throughout Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, and parts of Georgia there are wide load lime green polyester clad asses tripping over their TV trays and sweater wearing chihuahuas to get to the phone and be first in the trailer park to decorate their double-wide with Wal Martesquian slices of history.

It's not like this is anything new. We've all seen commercials for the limited edition Golden Otter $8 coin issued by the Republic of Kiribati, that due to overwhelming demand must be limited to three coins per order. (Unless you ask for more when you call.) What is so alarming about this is the ever increasing volume of these craptastic offerings. This is a sign of one of two things, or God forbid both. Either the herds of stupid people are greater in number than first estimated, or the first count was right but they're getting stupider. Either way it doesn't bode well for those with an I.Q. above room temperature.

American culture has become so mired in accumulating worthless shit we make a Japanese teenager look down-right frugal. We could do a 360 in any room of the house and find five or ten things we wouldn't even notice were gone if someone bypassed the Hi-Def video surveillance system we can monitor from our blackberry as we trade stocks on the Zagreb Stock Exchange while we order Jamaican take out from the comfort of our GPS equipped Hummer, and took them.

You need to upgrade your cell phone every two months because the technology just changes so fast and besides, you're planning on doing a lot more texting so you need the flip-out keyboard and retractable drink holder with matching BlueTooth headset so you can look like a total fucking jerk-off doing your Lt. Uhra impersonation as you're ordering your almond latte and the cashier is trying to figure out if your calling her or your secretary a stupid cunt who can't get anything right.

Better fire off an e-mail to I.T. telling them to order you a new laptop to replace the one they gave you ten minutes ago, because your PowerPoint presentation is getting bigger than China and it just can't keep up with the jackrabbit on crack pace of your ninety minute sales pitch.

Sure, you really did like the BMW X5, but felt it was the right thing to give it to the wife and kids you dumped for the nineteen year old receptionist who blew you under your desk. And since it's just the two of you now, the Boxster made sense.

There may be a lot of things at first glance that seem to set us apart from our collecting brethren in pink stretch pants.

But really, we just pay more for our plates.

It may or may not be true the sanctity of the office of the President died with JFK. And it is important that we keep in mind that our leaders are human just like us. They certainly seem to take every opportunity to prove it. Since the signing of the greatest document mankind has ever penned: The Constitution of the United States, there have been politicians. But there were also those who were Statesmen. Men who's driving purpose was to solve problems and reconcile differences by binding people together. Men who cared for the good of the people and did their best to serve these ends with integrity. None were perfect, and there always have been, and always will be those who are not up to the task.

The responsibility of returning these offices to a position of respect ultimately lie with the men and women who hold them. But if we do not treat them with respect and make it clear that the defiling of them by anyone will not be tolerated, why should anyone else?

We need, all of us need, to decide which is more important: What we have. Or who we are.

Keep The Faith